The Slow Project

Writing a book is no easy task. I started this project at the beginning of the year. It's very slow going but going none the less. Usually I work in spurts and I've struggled with the guilty voice that tells me I should dedicate all free time to this one thing. That's absurd of course but whose guilty voice isn't absurd?

There's a lot of research involved in addition to writing. I'm also putting a lot of photos in the book and there's a lot of photos to go through. I've started but am far from finished with that part. I've also started on almost every part but am far from finished. Writing. Reading. Researching. Brainstorming. More researching. More writing. Generally most of my projects are finished quickly. I work quickly with everything else but not this. This is painful. Painful in a good way...like climbing up a hill on my bike and my quads are on fire and I may just tip over (without EPO in case you're wondering).

Most of my free time is spent with my family and doing other things to take care of myself. Like working out, reading and being as far away from my 2 year old as possible. Just when I think she's going to drive me mad she shouts out "You're Welcome Mommy!!" just after I've said "Thank you!" Hey! Turns out she's learning manners from me after all! Who knew!

He wrote what?!

Isn't it boring when someone starts telling you about the dream they had last night? I think so. I immediately start nodding off. With that said let me write about this dream I had...I'll keep it very short so hopefully you get to the end of the story without falling asleep and drooling on your keyboard.

*Begin Bore Fest*
I dreamt that Linus wrote a book about our life together and basically he dragged me through the mud and made me out to be a shallow moron. There, that's it. I'm not going to go into details other than the fact that I distinctly remember being very surprised and sad about it. I believe I was sobbing in my dream. I love that feeling because then I wake up with a start and feel like I've really just been sobbing. Great feeling right? Ugh.
*End Bore Fest*

Since the job situation is a lot less stressful I'm feeling the energy to work on other projects in my life. Namely this book I want so badly to write. Problem is, I don't feel like I'm a writer. I can't find what they call "your voice". Every time I write something I look at it and it just doesn't seem like me. I don't feel like I'm a storyteller but I feel like I have stories to tell.

People at work ask me questions about my life and where I've been. When I tell them some things they honestly look amazed. One lady even said, "Wow, you should write a book!". I admit that their amazement embarrasses me. When I look back on things I've done I don't feel like it's anything that special. I just DID it. Maybe that's what's so amazing?

Fired from a Job I Hated

There have gladly been a few developments in the last month. I was fired from the awful job I had. The job itself was ok if you took out all the stress of being asked to lie on a regular basis, being nagged every 5 minutes, the yelling and power struggles between the family members that supposedly "ran" the business, the constant harassment via phone calls and text messages at all hours of the day, the lack of benefits, various shady business practices, inability to trust employees with anything....oh wait a minute...maybe it wasn't really good now that I think of it!

I will say this though; being in such a stressful, high demanding environment for so long has given me an insane work ethic. I learn quickly. I work quickly. I adapt quickly and maybe most of all, I fully appreciate a normal working environment. I also picked up a lot of skills along the way and feel confident in my ability to take on a laundry list of responsibilities.

Evidence would suggest I was supposed to get fired because, I am not kidding you, not 1 week later was I contacted by another company who found my resume online. They were specifically looking for a training coordinator. This resume has been online for YEARS and not once has a legitimate company contacted me regarding my skills until this very moment in time. When they called me I felt a rush of calm and a feeling of peace. The next morning I went for an interview. By the end of the week I was hired.

 I cannot even express how happy I am to be there. The people are so kind. The company is NORMAL and people know how to treat you. No one has called my cell phone after work to ask me to work. No one has yelled at me. No one has made me feel like a pile of dog poop. I have not even come close to wanting to run to the bathroom to cry in frustration.

Life is good! Here are some butterflies and flowers!

Working the OT

I've been working a lot the past few weeks. Working overtime for weeks on end is so exhausting I don't even have words for it. Most of my workdays are very stressful and demanding. Just this past Friday I worked 10 hours but it was an unusually quiet kind of day making it an 'easy' 10 hours. If all my days were that easy, work would be a walk in the park on a lovely spring day minus the allergies.

Here's some more photos from Joshua Tree in February. A trip out there to the quiet sure sounds lovely right now.

February 12th, 1988

It's the Friday before Valentines Day in 1988. I am 8 years old. It's a cold day but not as cold as a typical February day in Wisconsin, aka The Frozen Tundra. That day at school we exchanged cards and candy. I didn't get that many cards. I never did. But, I did get a lot of candy and for an 8 year old that's like the best thing ever. My mind was only thinking about about all this loot I had in candy and I wanted to get home to show off my booty and then stuff my face. So naturally I start running home, which is only 3 blocks away.

I notice a group of boys behind me as I'm in my big rush. They're maybe 50 feet behind me. They're not nice boys. None of the boys at my school are nice boys. Are they chasing me? I want to get away from them. I'm at the last street I have to cross before being on my block.

I can't recall the car that hit me. Or should I say the car that I hit because as it turns out I pretty much just ran into the side of it. My tiny body sailed through the air and landed on the street. When I open my eyes I see a crowd of people all around me. No surprise but I start crying and I'm calling for my stepfather. I'm too afraid to call for my mother because she'll just be mad at me. Later I'll feel guilty for not even calling out for my mother. Such a bad daughter! Am I bleeding? Can I move my body? I think I'm fine. The ambulance comes and they load me into the back. My mother is there with me and the EMT keeps asking me questions because he's trying to figure out if I'm ok. The only thing I have in my head is that 8x4 is 32. Mom and I were going over the multiplication table last night and that's all I can recall. I had a hard time with that one so we went over it so many times that I had mastered it. My mother asks me what happened. "Those mean boys were chasing me and I was afraid they were going to hurt me. I ran into the street without looking."

We get to the hospital and the doctor checks me out. I only have a mild concussion. He tells my mother that I have to take it easy. Not 2 hours later I was begging my mother to go to my best friend's house for dinner. She agreed. I was fine. That night I sat at my friends table and we dined on a mid-western favorite; meatloaf. I told them about the days events and felt proud of myself for being able to continue with my original plans. The pride I was having was because I needed to mask the shame. The truth is those boys weren't chasing me. I was afraid of them yes but I ran into the street because I wanted to get home for that candy.

Every Day

I recently started reading this book about writing books. More specifically, writing non-fiction. It's a good book and it's already given me a few things to think about when it comes to writing my own book. At the same time there's this little seed in the back of my mind that says things like "You can't write!" and "No one will care anyways!" and "There is no possible way you can write about this stuff in a way that will seem remotely interesting to a single person on the whole face of the earth.". 

The book also has these exercises that I find interesting and I'm willing to give a shot because I have to start somewhere right? One of said exercises is to do "difficult reading" every day. Difficult in this case is any book that I would normally not read for fun. Another one of the exercises is to write every day. Whether it be 15 minutes or for an hour. I can most certainly attempt all of this but honestly when anyone suggests I do something EVERY day I get a little anxious because I know I won't do it every day. When working full time outside the home and raising a toddler there only a few things that are certain to happen every day. 1. Some kind of meltdown (her or me) 2. Food on the floor and/or walls. and 3. Collapsing into bed at the end of it all wondering how I'm going to make it though another day of tantrums, a demanding job, and food thrown about all over the place. 

Another mental hurdle I am struggling with is I don't feel like I'm a writer. A photographer yes but a writer? What? I don't write FOR REAL. I kind of dabble in it. Or at least that's how I've felt when it comes to writing. Oddly enough I remember wanting to be a writer when I was a teenager. Of course I abandoned the idea when someone who I looked up to and trusted told me I was chasing an unattainable dream. That was a very discouraging moment for me because I saw this person as a motherly figure and if she didn't believe in me then who would? Too bad she never told me that the only one who needs to believe in me is Me, Myself, and I. Good thing I figured out that little tidbit for myself. 

Writing Life Stories

Oh Rosie

If I had looked at these photos even just a year ago I probably would have wanted to either vomit or punch someone in the face. A particular someone but really anyone would have been ok. These roses were given to me by my ex on our 5 year anniversary. That was 2002 when everything was, what I thought, hunky dory. In reality things were not good even then. I can actually see that by looking at these roses. They're dark and foreboding. At the same time there is some beauty there. It's all very descriptive of my entire time in Sweden pretty much. It was more or less a 10 year depression with periods of happiness. When I think of myself during that time the first thing that comes to mind is "Who the hell WAS that inside my body??" Not that I regret that time or anything. In fact, I look at it as a crucial time in my life that was a catalyst for a tremendous amount of growth.

For probably almost a decade I've wanted to do something with my photography other than take photos once in a while and put them on the internet. I've felt like there's some kind of story to tell but I never knew what. It's been this huge looming project. Now that I've been in California for 4 years it's finally time to start that project and I know what I want to do with it. I don't know all the details but realized I don't need to know all the details. I just need to start. And started I have!

Lost Horse Mine Trail - Joshua Tree 2012

It never fails. Every time I take a trip out somewhere and take photos it will take me weeks to actually sit down and go through them. I'll download them to my computer almost right away and take a quick look but over the next few weeks I'll let them sit in my mind while I decide what exactly I'm looking for in the photos. What feeling am I trying to convey? What are the dominant colors and how can I enhance that? It's also partly due to anxiety that they'll be total crap and I'll hate all of them when I look closer. Some of my best photos have sat on my hard drive for over a month until I see in my minds eye what I want from it. Of course, there are other photos that come out right away because I knew what I was looking for when I was taking it in the first place. Would be nice if it was always like that. It would also be nice if I could sit down at the computer whenever I wanted without a 2 year old trying to either climb on me or searching for something she can destroy because apparently that's her job. 

My sister was here a few weeks ago and we drove out to Joshua Tree. It was my 3rd trip out there and is probably one of my favorite places in Southern California. The drive out is a mere 2 hours. I love the fact that in 2 hours time I can be out in the middle of the desert with nothing around me but silence. No cell phone service. No people. No cars. No toddlers. Nothing. I love it. 

This time I found a trail out to a place called Lost Horse Mine. There were maybe about a dozen other people out on the trail but luckily everyone understood that this is not a place to be loud and obnoxious. Here are a few of the trail we walked out there. It was a couple miles out and a couple miles back. 

Trail to the Emerald Pools - Zion National Park

We get off the little bus that runs through Zion every few minutes..shuffling around tourists just like ourselves. We decide to walk up to the Emerald Pools. A short 1 mile 'hike'. Naturally it starts to drizzle as we're walking and thunder is heard in the distance. Not a big deal but considering I'm lugging around an almost brand new camera that isn't even paid for and a heavy tripod I get a tad worried. Worst case scenario: torrential downpour and I have to find a rock to hide under to protect the equipment. Of course that didn't happen. It did eventually start to rain harder but I got these shots right before that happened...

By the time we got down to the Emerald Pools it was raining too hard to take any photos. I'm happy with what I got anyhow!

Court of the Patriarchs - Zion National Park

During our last trip to Las Vegas in September we took a day trip over to Zion National Park. This was a big deal for me because I haven't seen a lot of National Parks but have it on my bucket list to visit at least all of the major parks here in the United States.

The drive there took about 2 hours and I don't have any photos of that because there was nothing on the way there. Literally nothing. It was even more desolate than the drive from Corona to Las Vegas. At least that trip does have Barstow...as depressing as it is. I would like to note, however, that within 5 minutes of entering Utah I spotted a traditional Mormon polygamist female. I felt like I was on safari spotting some strange creature. I'd only HEARD of these types of people but had never actually encountered one. Nothing much to report though; she was only exiting the gas station and got in a pickup truck. 

Zion is very tourist friendly. The place was pretty packed for a cool cloudy day with rain in the forecast. Most of the tourists were also foreign. Of course we had the Japanese but I also heard a few Swedes in the group. One of our first stops was Court of the Patriarchs. A difficult task to achieve as a photographer in heavily photographed areas is to get an interesting shot. It requires climbing into areas the other folks don't venture off to. So I left the path and climbed up the hillside a bit to get a different perspective.

Here I was squatting at the edge of the river praying I would not fall in. If I had fallen in I would not have been surprised. Kind of a clutz.

 More Zion Photographs

Hoover Dam

Hoover Dam is a short 1-hour drive from Las Vegas. An easy day trip. If you go out there during summer make sure you can stand the insane 100+ degree heat. I still remember how hot it was. It's hard to fathom how all these men went out there and built this thing. Because it was literally out in the middle of nowhere, they had to build a town to accommodate all the workers and their families that traveled from all over the country for the job. The town of Boulder City is really nothing to write home about but Hoover Dam certainly is.

This bridge is now finished.

Ya think?

Looking towards Lake Mead - water levels were low

Big Sky!

Would suck if you fell..

More photos of Hoover Dam

Crystals at CityCenter

If you're a Commoner and enter this Luxury Shopping Center it can certainly make you feel a bit, how do we say it? POOR. I honestly can't afford a single thing in this entire place. I could definitely splurge on something sure but would I would have to work an 80 hour week to make up for it. Or open a line of credit for a single handbag. Do these stores even offer such things? Judging by the lack of people almost every time I've been in there I would say it's a safe bet that most people visiting Las Vegas also can't afford to even look in the windows.

But I still like the place. It has beautiful architecture and it's a refuge in an otherwise very loud and very boisterous Las Vegas Strip. It's like the eye of a hurricane in here.

More photos of CityCenter

Red Rock Canyon 2011

Earlier this year we went to Vegas for Ryan's birthday, which happens to fall on Saint Patrick's Day. Remind me to never go to Vegas on that particular day again. Not only was it St Patties Day but it was also NCAA Basketball Finals weekend. Lots of drunk college men are not very attractive.

There's this hidden little treasure right on the outskirts of Las Vegas. It's Red Rock Canyon. The road there is smooth and scenic. Popular for cyclists too! It's a small and manageable National Conservation Area. Everything is laid out neatly for the tourists but if you are willing to walk a bit beyond the paved path you wouldn't know there are throngs of them just beyond those bushes. The landscape is vast. The mountains are, in my opinion, beautiful and because it's got that desert quiet there's a great feeling of peace.

Here's a link to more information about Red Rock Canyon: Red Rock Canyon Interpretive Association

And here's a link to more photos of Nevada on FineArtAmerica: FineArtAmerica Nevada

Hawaii 2010

I see that I haven't even posted here in 2011. It was a busy year. I now have a toddler on my hands and a full time very demanding career. I'm happy to say that it morphed from just a job into a career but at the same time it has been exhausting. I find myself spread very thin between work, family, and carving time out for myself too! Blogging definitely took a backseat. Photography did too to some degree. I didn't completely put away the camera though so I'll start here where I left off and attempt to go from there!

At the end of 2010 we went to Hawaii for our wedding anniversary. It was my first time there but Ryan had been there many times. He was actually born there but the family moved to Southern California when he was a toddler. There are a lot of pretty sights to see but when you look closely you see a lot of what we would call poverty on the mainland. Basically it just looks pretty dumpy but no one minds because the surrounding beauty is so intense it offsets any other less-than-ideal living conditions. Personally I wouldn't mind living there myself.

Hawaii was another place I used to only dream of visiting. It seemed so out of reach. Similar to the way California seemed like only a pipe dream. But hey, now I LIVE in California and going to Hawaii suddenly wasn't such an unattainable goal. My view on goals is also very different than it was way back when I used to only dream about visiting the islands of Hawaii. If you can dream it you can do it... IF you've got the cajones to make it happen. This year we are planning on our 2nd visit, this time to the island of Maui.

These are some of the photos I look on Oahu. Our visit was only a short 6 days but it was 6 days well spent.

This last one was taken at Kualoa Ranch where they filmed the series Lost. This was by far the coolest place I saw there and we just happened to discover it while out driving around the island. They have a Movie Tour you can do which was great. Highly recommended!

You can find more of my Hawaii photos at my website: http://www.itstheecotone.com and you can also see a collection of Hawaii photos on FineArtAmerica at: hawaii photos